Look, I love the Oscars. It's the Superbowl of movies, when my useless, encyclopedic knowledge of the silver screen is quantified and rewarded. I have a contest every year at my annual Oscar party, and whoever has the best record for guessing the winners gets the prize. The first year I remember is when Seabiscuit was up for best picture, and I promised everyone at the party that if Seabiscuit took away the prize, I would blow everyone in the room. The point of the story is that Seabiscuit sucked and was never going to win best picture, I'm the greatest, and I (almost) always win my own contest.
I'm supposed to be in the air, on my way home from vacation during the Oscars, and I changed my flight, that's how much I love the oscars. But I'm disillusioned friends, and where else but a blog to vent my frustration. In list form.
1. Can we fucking recall capitalism already, because I'm sick of it tempering all the joy out of my life. Specifically, I'm talking about this ever burgeoning "oscar season," wherein every film worth seeing gets released in a razor thin period so they will be fresh in the academy's mind and get their needed box office boost to succeed. It means that for 11 and a half months of the year there's nothing to see in theaters, and then all at once, from thanksgiving to mid january, every movie on the planet gets released.
2. I have been defending the integrity of the Oscars for years. When people lump them together with the grammys, or the vmas, or the peoples choice awards, I see Red. I'm superfly TNT. They gave Milli Vanilli a Grammy. The oscars are serious. They have routinely, for years, nominated people nobody has ever heard of in movies that nobody's ever seen, and every year their ratings plummet, and I loved them for that! 2007 was one of the best years in recent memory for film, and yet, what was the general consensus of No Country For Old Men? "I hated it. I didn't get it." I mean, it was a year when P.T. Anderson made his best movie to date and it was still only the fourth or fifth best movie of the year, don't get me started any more than I already am!
2.a. Benjamin Button leading the nominations with 13? I can only take this as proof that everything I've ever believed in was wrong. It turns out the academy doesn't know the difference between a movie that looks and sounds and walks like a good movie and an actually good movie. It's not a fucking duck, okay?
3. The Dark Knight wasn't nominated for best picture.
It may be that I'm getting drunk and emotional about film because I fell on the ice and sprained my back earlier this week. The pain, oh lord, the pain. It's left me pretty immobile, crabby, and let's face it, crazy - BUT STILL.
Nevertheless. If you're reading this and live in the Detroit area, you're totally invited to my Oscar party. Handjobs for everyone if Synechdoche, New York wins somehow via write in.
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