2008 movie wrap up so far: God bless you Heath Ledger

The film industry kind of sucks dead dog's dick in the sense that for most of the year, it releases either really shitty movies, or summer blockbusters, a lot of which are really shitty. I try to make the best of it. I love movies, and I love the old fashioned past time of getting in a car and going to the movies, even when most of them suck. Another thing I love is reading about films on the internet. I have my favorite reviewers, I trust their opinion, and I'm not a child. I can tell by the preview if a movie is going to suck, so usually I don't waste a lot of ticket money on bad movies. I hereby compile all the movies I've seen in 2008 into categories, ranging from "good movies" "movies that aren't the worst but aren't great" and "movies I hate." They are all "movies" because so far this year, I haven't been able to afford the extra time and expense of commuting to the indie film houses in town.

GOOD MOVIES:

The Dark Knight
I know, what a shocker. Everybody loved The Dark Knight. The best is when someone on the internet dares say a negative thing about the film, and the dogs attack. "You need to watch Sesame street on PBS. Maybe you will be able to follow the plot," says one angry commenter to a negative review on Rotten Tomatoes. "I'm glad this tool didn't like this movie. If he did then there must have been something wrong with the movie, since this guy seems to like the sucky movies and hate the good ones."

The Happening
Everybody hated this, but I loved it, because I'm awesome. First of all, it was a wonderful movie going experience. I walked in behind a group of teenagers who were giggling amongst themselves "this movie is going to be sooooo bad." So I already knew I was in for some audience heckling. About M Night Shyamalan's first R rating: It still had that "gee shucks we're good people in an unfortunate situation" feel to it, but with more blood and violence. There are some genuinely terrifying scenes, particularly the ones at the end with Betty Buckley. If you were in this plot (admittedly, the plot is ridiculous) you would be fucking scared. Imagine driving down a street and suddenly seeing dozens of bodies hanging from trees because the people have compulsively committed suicide, and you're next. The movie scared the teenagers, and then they laughed at the screen because they were embarrassed they were scared. CUTE. Also, Zooey Deschanel. A boy commented to his date on the way out "Oh, Zooey Deschanel's eyes. I got lost in them several times."

Pineapple Express
Did you know that David Gordon Green directed this? Do you know who he is?? He's one of my favorite indie film makers. (SEE: George Washington, All the Real Girls, Undertow. Snow Angels came out this year but I've yet to see it because it only played at the art houses. Rent these films!) I liked the way it subtly depicted both stoner humor and their gentle sensibility. (i.e. comparing the smell of pot to "God's Vagina." "Put your sorrys in a sack.") One character pummels another one screaming "Don't you know that what we do in this life echoes in eternity!?" Reincarnation is discussed. The art direction of the film is actually really good, although it would be easy not to notice that with all the action and violence and whatnot. It had a rich color palette, like in the scene of the two boys romping in the woods, playing leap frog. It's actually very precious. This is something I'm coming to increasingly appreciate in comedies. (Be Kind Rewind had this same appeal.) Everybody who isn't a guy in denial knows that buddy movies are totally homosexual, and I like the way this one dealt with a few buddy pairings. (There are a couple on the bad guys side in addition to the leads.) In the end it got waaay too violent, but I guess that's the point. If the movie had ended after one hour without getting into the action stuff it would have been even better, but keep in mind, I'm a girl.

Iron Man, Wall E: Two more movies I liked, for obvious reasons, that everybody liked.

MOVIES THAT WERE OKAY BUT NOT WORTH DISCUSSING:

Get Smart
Be Kind Rewind
Charlie Bartlett
Cassandra's Dream
Forgetting Sarah Marshall

MOVIES THAT I TOTALLY FUCKING HATED AND WISH WOULD DIE

Smart People
I saw this movie for one reason: Ellen Page (Juno) is in it and she is a ripe peach plucked from God's navel, but apparently, that doesn't mean she knows how to pick a script. She was the best and only good thing about it. This movie was completely recycled from movies like The Squid and the Whale, Wonderboys, and any number of other recent, much better movies about asshole professors with families who no longer know how to relate to reality. Nick, I know you like Dennis Quaid, so I would suggest you never see this film so you don't have to watch him embarrass himself in this horrible material. He plays probably one of the most unlikable characters I've ever seen. Gee, do you think he'll learn some life lessons and his embittered, widowed heart will soften by the end of the film? Will he inexplicably get the girl who never should have been dating him in the first place? The script was probably written based on some "low budget quirky slice of real life but not" template downloaded from the internet. (Note: If you want to see a much better movie sort of like this, rent Winter Passing with Will Ferrell and the wonderful beautifully eyeballed Zooey Deschanel.)

Sex and the City
Look, I saw it okay, I'm not made of wood. And if I hadn't snuck into the movie in a double feature situation with The Happening, I would have demanded my money back. I saw it because I do genuinely like some of the series. It can be very funny and sort of satirical about how superficial and ridiculous these rich, slutty new york women are. The movie had absolutely none of that. It took every ounce of wit, satire, and edge from the series and left nearly 3 FUCKING HOURS of fluffy, melodramatic girl shit in its wake. First of all, the amount of money these three hookers and their mother spend on clothes, apartments, and jewelry is fucking criminal to the point of being offensive. "That's a three hundred dollar pillow" one of the girls comments at one point. I think I missed a crucial plot point after that because I was supposed to move on, but I spent the next 15 minutes being like, "what? A 300 dollar pillow?" Later Carrie buys her black assistant a 600 dollar handbag because she does such a super job. "Oh thank you massa'! Me look real pretty now!" The major plot surrounds Carrie completely losing her mind over this Mr Big character, who from what I see has never really exhibited any character traits worth losing one's mind over other than being totally rich. In fact, the movie completely infantilizes men. The show always did that as well, but here, they're seriously borderline retarded. They always look like they're on the verge of tears, cowering in the shadows of these strong, executive women! Finally, I didn't laugh once. Like, not fucking once. The biggest comedic scene involves Charlotte getting diarrhea in mexico. Ho ho! What are we, 12? If you liked this movie we're not friends anymore. I'm serious. I can't have people like that in my life.

To review:
Percentage of movies this year that I fucking hated starring Sarah Jessica Parker: 100%
(She played a doctor in Smart People. Yeah right bitch, like we would ever believe you're a fucking doctor.)
Number of times I reminisced about getting lost in Zooey Deschanel's eyes while writing this: Several.